Tony Shane

It’s been a while folks, I know. I apologize. Anyway, you guys remember when heavy metal gangster rap used to be the cool thing to do? Like, back in nineteen ninety… never f*cking ever?! Well this week I would like to introduce you to guy who completely missed the memo on that. His name is Wyzae, and he’s from Baltimore. A gang member, turned tattoo shop owner, turned rapper (if that’s what you want to call it), Wyzae has been through a lot, and plans to use his local fame to give back to the community with and alleged youth outreach organization called C.O.E.D. that is supposed to be opening this year. I’ll hold my breath.

Michael Jackson’s music video for “Thriller” is the best music video of all time. Period. A 14 minute mini movie written by and starring one of the most influential people in recent history and backed by a half million dollar budget in the eighties! You can’t really go wrong. Making a mini horror flick for a music video is a pretty cool idea. But you walk a thin line between epic success and epic failure.

Wyzae’s video for “My Wings and Horns” is the latter. It’s a zombie video where Wyzae is credited as “Head Zombie” in the rolling credits at the end, but under his real name, Aaron Crankfield. It starts off with an intro from “Frankie Scorpion.” The offspring of a can of Miller High Life and an old tattoo gun, Scorpion sit’s in the break room of a Party City surrounded by a bunch of cheap ass props they found including a giant scull with dreadlocks…. Oh wait, it has a huge stuffed spider on it’s head… sooooo spooooky. She then delivers this ridiculously long intro. The only part I remember is her saying “He steams your insides and his spawn stains your walls. Mmmm, doesn’t that sound great?” Ummm no, Ms. Scorpion, it sounds like you need to blow the dust off your vagina. After like 45 seconds of her bullsh*t, we go into the SECOND intro. Which is two whole minutes of watching these over-acting and confused looking zombies crawl out of some hay and attack some fat guys in their house.

So after 3 minutes of wondering while you’re still watching this crap, in comes Wyzae. He’s in front of this bonfire and looks like Brian Pumper dressed as Super Fly. The whole time he’s doing this weird indecipherable droning rap, he’s got these Road Warrior gloves on and he moves like he’s on stage at a bachelorette party. The rest of the video is pretty much zombies eating fat unattractive mountain people. Including a shower scene with a girl nobody in their right mind would want to see take a shower, let alone put their mouth on, even to eat. And I mean literally, eat, get your mind out of the gutter.

By the end of the video, you have have just sat there for 6 minutes and you’re wondering where your life has gone and you think to yourself, “What the f*ck was that song even about?” But your mind is too clouded from images of zombie g-string, seeing Miss Piggy in the shower, and the ghost of Suge Knight’s dad having a seance in the yard. Part of you want’s to go back and listen for some kind of meaning and then Frankie Scorpion comes back on and you just slam your computer shut, throw your hands straight up in the air and say “F*ck it!”… And I’m not mad at you for doing that. However, you should at least stay for the credits and see who played “Victom” one through four (and yes, that’s how they spell it, with an O).

Wyzae, I don’t know how you managed to get 15 likes on this video, but kudos to that. I was just wondering how you went back to the hood with this and nobody shot you just off general principle? By that, I mean leave the leather jacket with no shirt thing to Sisqo and Ja Rule. I never thought anyone could make a zombie look retarded, congrats. And good luck with you career man, I’m sure your 15 fans in boofoo Wyoming are looking forward to more great work, as am I.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you “My Wings and Horns.”

P.S. That title makes you sound like a pegasus.